To: all-staff

From: Prof Asafetida Lovage, BA*,MA*,MSc*,Dip.Bricklaying, PhD*; Happy Burger Inc. Chair, School of Cryptozoology; Chair of Faculty Littering Sub-Group


I write to inform you that the following item has been found in the corridor outside the room of Dr Ada Lamb, currently away on a mushroom-picking field trip on the Isle of Wight.

You are reminded of the University’s policy on environmental beautification.**

The item reads as follows:

Laundry List

Handkerchief, lace (bloodstained) – 1

Waistcoat, run-through – 1

Flame-retardant body suit, to be defumigated – 1

Polo-neck, black, with name tag reading ‘Giselle B.’ – 1

Lumberjack shirt, slightly charred – 1

Shroud, Turin – 1

Socks, fluffy – 2 pairs

Cordelia: Please take to dry cleaner’s ASAP! A.L.


*Award pending.

** Para. 251a. Sub-clause f., University Regulations on Campus Despoilment and Beautification (amended, May 2014), reads: “Any person found guilty of littering within the grounds of the University (including, but not restricted to, the Happy Burger Nuclear Facility, the Piggery, the Humanities Beacon, and the Nexus Information Centre formerly Library) will be dismissed without right of appeal. Signed. A. Lovage (x).”


16 thoughts on “Re: Rubbish, Litter, Garbage and Trash

  1. as a confirmed eater of fungi-of-doubtful provenance on the Island of Wight, I can but speculate as to the motivation/reasons behind Dr A Lamb’s mushroom-picking trip… methinks something wicked this way comes.

    1. I am horrified, dear ‘Liz’. My account has been hijacked while I was distracted by a wonderful toadstool and all you do is fan the flames with your wild speculation. Surely I can expect better? Yours, Ada.

  2. If you must go, dear Ada, how fitting it is that your tragic departure should be brought about by such a consequential matter.

  3. Dear Dr. Lamb,

    Despite the honorary doctorate and my expertise in the field of nibs (pens and chocolate), I am no CSI. Still, it doesn’t take much insight to see that you are being framed Dr. Ada. Insupportable!

    Your Humble Servant,

    Dr. Nib, RSSQS
    Recording Secretary for the Society of Quill-Seekers (not to be confused with the Society of Thrill-Seekers who meet across the hall and are a much rowdier, reckless bunch. Also prone to flights of mayhem…I can put you in touch with their recording secretary, if you wish).

    1. My dear –

      It comes as a shock to see that your name is, in fact, Dr Nib and not Dr End! What a clumsy oaflike clod you must think me! As my colleagues from the far-flung god-forsaken fringes of Outer Europe will testify, I am usually an acutely sensitive student of cultural difference, and speak loudly and clearly in unaccented English to all regardless of their own mumbling, guttural efforts.

      And to have made such a schoolgirl error about order of surname and first name! My dear, I hang my head in shame.

      On other matters – what a difference it makes to have such a sensitive correspondent, so alive to my dreadful predicament.

      I am, as ever, dear Dr Nib,
      your most humble


      PS. I think you must have given my name to the Soc. Thrill Seekers: they are plaguing me with their summer catalogue (3 last week!). Please write to them post-haste to clear up the confusion.

      1. Truth be told, Dr. Lamb Ada, End is merely my nome de plume, a means to an end, if you will. I embrace your error, however, as I find anonymity quite useful at times. Don’t you? My friends call me Nib.

  4. Hello Dr ‘X’

    Your account with us is coming up for annual renewal. Your previous order was for mini-digger and cobblestone hammer. Do you wish to repeat? Please note we are also doing special offer on feathered garden nomes (20% off early bird special).

    Kindlily yours

    S.Q. Nutkin
    Landscaping East Wessex

    ‘Let Us Move the Earth 4 U’

  5. Word reaches me, dear Ada, that a collection is underway to buy you a pair of kitten-heeled rose pink soft mule slippers to mark your departure. A small cheque is enclosed, with my blessing.

    1. How delightful, my dear! But I have shaken the envelope thoroughly and all that fell out were a few croissant crumbs and a frond of tumbleweed. Direct bank transfer would be safest, to my Swiss account.

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