I am in a dark place, dear Reader, and the walls are closing in.

I had returned from the Annual Prize-Giving Ceremony – detouring only to deposit gum in the pigeonholes and to knock fruitlessly at Prof Lucille’s door for a good half hour to insist upon the return of my favourite cheese cutter – to find that my key no longer fitted the magnificent double-fronted mahogany door to my rooms.

Dear Reader. I applied my considerable martial arts skills to the door.

After some seconds it flew inwards.

I managed to halt my slide across the parquet with a deft and graceful aerial Lotus kick, ending, behind my desk, in the pose known as The Crouching Horse.

I peered around my desk as far as my straining fetlocks would allow.

Dear Reader, my arrival had not been observed.

Asafetida lay on my chaise longue, her eyes closed as she sipped a Margarita, while Cordelia stood on a ladder, in her pinny and bonnet, hanging new curtains.

I saw that my acid bath had been turned into a potting tray. My various priceless objets had been swept into a box marked ‘bin or charity?’ My sofa cushions had been re-upholstered. My sky-blue wallpaper, with its delicate fleurs-de-lys embossing, had been covered over with posters of someone called Harry Styles.

Dear Reader. I reached for what few items I could, and departed as silently and gracefully as I had arrived.

I write to you now, dear Reader, from the broom cupboard my new office. It is a little bijou, but has a certain rustic charm now that I have just hung Jenny Haniver above the sink, placed the rifle in the mop bucket, and have put on my lecturing hat to ward off the damp.

Fear not, dear Reader. All is not lost.

The depth-charges are in place, and I have just written to the Vice-Chancellor.







2 thoughts on “My Options are Narrowing

  1. Dear Ada, I have been lying low for a while. I have my reasons and the purloining of your cheese cutter is not one of them. You will find this has been returned to you in the second drawer down of your little plywood desk. I pray that you will only use it for cutting the whole Cashel Blue cheese that I have ordered to be sent as a farewell gift, but somehow doubt it. Marguerite joins me in wishing you a painless deMise. We will not be returning to campus to witness your departure but may watch the horizon glow a fiery red from the safety of Usefulorbeautiful Towers raising a glass of Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference hock to you all.

    1. My dear Lucille,

      How delightful to have you back with us. Thank you for the cheese wire, which still has a few crumbs of mature Cashel Blue on it. Perhaps when all this over I will pop over to UoB Towers and we can rake over the embers together, with some of that fancy hock you mention. How we shall laugh.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s