List of the Fallen (351)

Giselle Beauregard (Head of Department), buried under patio

Jenny Haniver (2nd-year undergraduate), turned into head over mantelpiece

Ethel from Maryland (new tutee), poisoned by amuse-bouche at tutees’ welcoming party

Penny Whistle (investigative reporter for the Daily Wind Instrument), pushed into the path of the oncoming

Dr Peter Piper (Head of Research), poisoned by macaroon

Susan (Chief Librarian Nexus Officer), squashed by falling tree branch

Union Rep, chargrilled on brazier

Jack Lumber (Head, Trees for Sustainable Universities), burnt in chimney

Obadiah (Janitor), stabbed by Asafetida Lovage

HR Rep, self-defenestrated

Chevalier d’honneur (bronze), Emeritus Professor of French, shot by members of French Department at bow and arrow targets

Department of Russian (2), in balloon punctured by 21-arrow salute marking tragic death of Chevalier d’honneur

Department of Spanish (11), drowned in pedalos when hit by falling balloon

Department of French (15), mass cupcake poisoning when comfort-eating after deaths of colleagues in Modern Languages

Jess (School Manager), held breath for too long while striking

Lucinda (Doppelgänger), fed to the pigs

Unnamed members of staff and students gathered to celebrate appointment of Asafetida Lovage to Happy Burger Chair of Cryptozoology (52, conservative estimate), poisoned by fugu and/or suffocated in dry ice conflagration

Department of Philosophy (8), dematerialized

Brian Berkeley (2nd-year philosophy student), vanished

Vice-Chancellor’s photographer, fed to sharks

Brian Drian (Bursar), served with profiteroles at Lamb Xmas dinner

Father Xmas, Rudolph, Prancer, Dancer, Dasher, Vixen, Cupid, Blitzen, Comet, and Donner (10), shot down by Babykins

Association of Runeologists (211 full members), choked on dragées

Pro-Vice-Chancellors (3), cause of death unknown, ashes held in the Urns

Dr Sigismund Fflloyd (Reader in Psychology), stabbed with knitting needles

Taizhou lacrosse team (12, including goalkeeper, women’s team), drowned in Koi carp pond

Annabelle (Exams Office Rep), flayed by quinlibian

Dr Jade Dragon (CEO of Taizhou), bricked up in mausoleum

Dr Karl Jung (Assistant Professor, Psychology), poisoned by quinine blowpipe

External examiners (3), ejected from top floor of Humanities Lighthouse by John Lewis Trébuchet recliner range

Asafetida Lovage (Daughter of Ser Basil Lovage), vaporised by helicopter blades

Vermilion Scarlet (Synergy Officer), vaporised by helicopter blades

Prof Haldane (Emeritus Professor), fell off bar stool after violent spinning

Professor Ser Basil Agrimony Stevia Lovage (Vice-Chancellor, UWL), spontaneously combusted


List of survivors (29.33)

Professor Mise (Professor of Mathematics, Fine Art and Chinoiserie)

Professor Lucille (Professor of the Play of Light on Domestic Objects)

Lu-Seal (Deputy Under-Janitor, UWL Taizhou)

Dr Nib’s End, Resident Expert in Hermeneutics; part-time purveyor of narrative detanglification devices

Speccy, Dr Ada’s favourite first-year

Cordelia (Chief Cleaner, UWL Central)

Janice (Admin, UWL Taizhou)

Roberta, PhD candidate in Runeology

Jaspyr, SSLC Representative (UWL Central)

May-Ling (SSLC Representative) (UWL Taizhou)

Department of Russian’s dog (.33*)

Sebastian (formerly Vice-Chancellor’s secretary; postgraduate; now Secretary of the Society of Learned Runeologists)

Dr Fu Manchu (Senior Lecturer, Comp. Lit)

Dr Salty Bob (Associate Professor, Cognitive Runeology)

Professor Freya Freyasdottir (Professor, Runeology)

Mo-Mo (2nd-year undergraduate) second-year, discovered writing note in lecture, exiled to Taizhou

Ay-Ling (an underdeveloped character)


Billy ‘the Devil’ Lamb (explosives expert)

Edgar ‘Fop’ Lamb

Pa ‘Safecracker’ Lamb

Great-Uncle Herbert (wanted on 5 continents and master of disguise)

Ma ‘Roast Potatoes’ Lamb

Mary ‘Had a Little’ Lamb

Jo ‘Whiskers’ Lamb

The Twins

Ratty, the family pet for many centuries

Rose Madder Scarlet (Synergy Officer), now Dr Ada’s PA

Darren’s mum

Dr Ada’s unnamed companion, an eminence grise


Missing, Current Whereabouts Unknown (5)

Shiny the Devil Cat

Mouse (吱)

Darren from IT

Dr Ida Lamb

Dr Ada Lamb